In case you missed it...
To: Joel Hollander, CBS Radio Chief
From: Kenneth Lay, Former Enron Chief, now retired in Hell
Dear Joel,
Wanted to write you a note to tell you how much I am loving your latest moves at CBS. I may be retired and sitting in a lounge chair in a very hot location, but I'm still watching your brilliant direction of the once great CBS Radio Division.
You're doing a great job and I love your latest move, firing 115 employees due to your own mistakes. You came up with both Free-FM and Jack, two ideas I wish I would have thought of at Enron!
After WNEW-FM's all silly talk format crashed and burned three years ago, you come up with the new name of Free-FM, and put the same format on stations all across the country. Bravo! Not one of them is even getting a 2 share!
And after you heard David Lee Roth a few times filling in on your Boston station, you say to yourself, this guy is my new wake-up man to replace Howard Stern! Then when DLR bombs, your underlings blame him in the press, laying the groundwork to can him WITHOUT paying him his money! Very cool, Joel. (I very much miss "cool" by the way.)
And if that's not enough, you actually bring back the radio team you fired for orchestrating sex in St. Patrick's Cathedral. As O&A would say, "WOW!" I wish I had thought of doing something like that at Enron!
I marvel at your undying support of Jack in the face of all the negative publicity, firing DJs in NYC and Chicago without even giving them a chance to say goodbye! Wish I had done that to some of the senior citizens who had their retirement plans invested in Enron. I should have silenced them as you did to Harry Harrison, Bob Shannon, Bobby Jay, Bill Brown, etc.
I have to admit, I admire your tenacity, too. I've seen your appearance on CNBC, and read some of your print interviews, defending Jack. Not once have you admitted it was a terrible mistake to nationalize Jack instead of putting it in specific markets where it is suited.
I thought I did a good job saying I was innocent when reporters shoved microphones in front of me outside of the courthouse. I even invoked religion as I proclaimed my innocence. But Joel, you've got me beat.
You've brought CBS Radio to its knees faster than I did it to Enron. Just look at the combined ratings at CBS's 3 NYC FM stations. Three stations now equal less than Lite-FM by itself! Then you go and FIRE the General Manager you ordered to replace Oldies with Jack. He couldn't keep the same revenues so you fired his ass! Good for you! I also like the firing of your KROQ General Manager only months after your LA Alternative station beat Lite-FM as the station with the nation's highest revenues. (I never liked that name Trip anyway.)
I raise my glass to you Joel (if only I could get some ice cubes for this glass...) I could have used a lieutenant like you as I was dismantling Enron! Why didn't you send me your resume then? You should have written me some press releases like the one you released this week, talking about the need to reduce "headcount." Ha! Broadcasting companies who are doing well are foolishly HIRING people. But that memo you sent out made it sound like it wasn't YOUR dumb moves but the "changing climate of radio" that forced you to pink slip all those loyal employees. That's priceless, Joel!
By the way, I'm saving a lounge chair here in hell right next to mine when you're time is up, Joel. Can't wait to shake your hand then! When you find the Pearly Gates are locked to you, just look for me downstairs. Keep up the good work, buddy.
Sincerely,
Kenny-boy Lay
