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The annual "Christmas Turkeys" thread

K

ka2xuk

With at least two stations in my area, WMGS and WHLM (AM), playing nothing but Christmas music, it's time for my annual "Christmas Turkeys" thread. What is a Christmas Turkey? It's a song that is:

(a) Overplayed to the point of making one's ears throw up. These are Christmas evergreens that have long ago turned brown and dropped their needles.

(b) Depressing...not in keeping with the joyous mood of the Christmas season.

(c) Just a bad, sucky song.

PLEASE NOTE that my entries in these categories are solely subjective...what one person loves, another person may think totally and absolutely sucks. I am not imposing my opinions on the other members of this community. Rather, I am soliciting YOUR thoughts on which "songs of the season" qualify as Christmas Turkeys.

To start the discussion, here are my entries:

Category A: "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" by Elmo & Patsy, "Jingle Bell Rock" (any version; this song was old when it was released over 50 years ago!), "Feliz Navidad" by José Feliciano. (How do you say "overplayed" and "burnt to a crisp" in Spanish?)

Category B: "The Christmas Shoes". Although the ladies LOVE this song...ask Stan over there at Magic 93...hearing it almost makes one want to take a cyanide pill. It is about as much of a party song as "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald", although at least the latter is a non-Christmas ballad based on a real historical event. There's another one about a cat that froze to death on Christmas Eve. I can't remember the title or artist. Who writes this dreck, anyway?

Category C: Anything by Mannheim Steamroller. Their astringent, synthesized sound is truly fruitcake for the ears. Like fruitcake, it only comes out around the holidays. And, like fruitcake, it's an acquired taste. Another Category C entry is...and I am donning my Kevlar suit here...anything by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Some things are just not meant to be combined...like sardines and muskmelons, pizza and milk, dill pickles and vanilla ice cream...or heavy metal/hard rock and classical music. To my aging ears, TSO's music is totally nauseating...but then, that's just the opinion of an old fart who lives in the sticks.

Category D: These are songs that have been classified by our ingenious program directors as Christmas songs, get a lot of airplay during the Christmas season, but are not Christmas songs and make absolutely no mention of Christmas. Many of these are actually nice songs, but they are not Christmas songs. One example is "My Favorite Things" by various artists. This came from "The Sound of Music", but it does not mention Christmas or any other holiday. Another is "Snowfall", a beautiful instrumental (sometimes a vocal) by various artists. It's a nice winter song, but it isn't a Christmas song. Hey, taking mention of snow and winter weather as reasons for classifying a song as a Christmas song, why don't the classic rock stations play "Don't Eat Yellow Snow" by Frank Zappa? Ditto, "Nanook Rubs It" from Zappa's "Yellow Snow" trilogy.

What are YOUR nominees for the Christmas Turkeys list? Feel free to disagree with my suggestions.
 
Good stuff there, Ka2 !

Gotta disagree about the Mannheim Steamroller, though. See, I purposely tune in the stuff only once a year. That's Christmas Eve, and it's off CJBC Toronto. We'll wrap stuff, small things for the neighbors, do some nog, then go find some church with its lights on around midnight.
When I * did * play the stuff in Philly -- it came off 10-inch reels then -- it was the first time I'd ever heard the ensemble. There was a pleasant surreal essence to it all. That was back well before 101.1 began overindulging. I never wearied of the group, as a result.

Apparently, 99 44/100ths percent of humanity agrees on 'Grandma Got Run Over By Brown-Eyed Girl Reindeer', though. The remaining .56% -- the ones who actually call up and REQUEST it -- are either scrooges, sadists, or need counseling.

Your labelling 'Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald' as a party song got a chuckle. I used to work nights at a restaurant where the crew would get treated to this song, seemingly, once a week -- via someone's request on T-102's Saturday night request show!
I paraphrase and update an old gag about some jock pre-announcing the upcoming songs '...... and after the news we'll be hearing 'You Light Up My Life', 'Disco Duck', and 'The Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald' ...... and people saying, 'Oh, God, not the Wreck of the Edmond Fitzregald!'

The stuff is inescapable now, of course. But in somewhat recent Mall seasons, a few goodies have turned up. Neil Diamond's 'Holly Holy Christmas' (or whatever its title) is really clever and melodic (albeit a bit too long), and that Beach Boys or Brian Wilson thing that sounds as though Phil Spector in a Santa suit directed a holiday version of 'Peggy Sue' is neat. 'Christmas Time is Here Again' ?
The latter is also a verse too long, but at least you get to do some extra measures of harmony to it and annoy those in front of you at the checkout line. Maybe that's what the song was designed to do in the first place :)

As you suggest, Ka2: Disgust doesn't come in just one flavor. So I only listen to the modern avalanche when I have to -- on quick shopping trips -- or when I want to. Thankfully I no longer have to play it, to whatever degree nowadays, to get a paycheck.

And once again -- great post!
 
Christmas Shoes is a horrible, depressing song. Newsong should be ashamed of himself. Seriously, a song about someone whose dying and wants some freakin' shoes?
I also don 't miss hearing "Christmas in the Northwest" which used to play in Seattle a lot. I still remember one of the lyrics "Take away the presents, and you'll still have a tree...for Christmas in the Northwest, is a gift God wrapped in green." Yeah, and then you'd deal with crying kids. No thanks Brenda White.
I haven't heard Barking Dogs "Jingle Bells" in years, and hopefully never will. Worst piece of trash anyone could create for radio.
I unfortunately heard a "12 Days of Christmas" cut by Bob & Doug McKenzie (of SCTV fame) a couple of years ago. One of the worst pieces of crap I've ever heard for Christmas. They hardly knew any of the words and it still made radio.

-crainbebo
 
Here in heavily Italian Connecticut, you just cannot escape Lou Monte's piece of excrement "Dominick the Donkey." Geez, this stuff might have been funny to their newly arrived grandparents, but do today's fully assimilated Italian-Americans still like this stereotypical claptrap?
 
Yep, another annoying novelty song. Most I can't stand, but IMO, Straight No Chaser did a funny rendition of the 12 Days of Christmas years back.

-crainbebo
 
Bah, Humbug!

The purpose of Christmas turkeys is to give the audience their Christmas goose.
 
The Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald was a summer hit iirc....and was not on the charts around Christmas....Cuzzin Debbie's song made John Records Landecker "It sucked THEN and IT STILL SUCKS NOW"!! bit on WLS..he did a encore session on the 2008 BIG 89 Rewind. Still funny after all these years....YESSS still funny.......still funny......still funny afffterr ALLLLLLL these years....(crazy isnt it?)

HOWEVER, no holiday season is complete without watching "Turkeys Away" on WKRP!!! THE show for any radio geek to watch; especially the newly released DVDs with MOST of the real music back in the scenes!!! YEAH
 
I grind my teeth each time I hear Jimmy Boyd's recording of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." First because I hate the song and second because I can't believe this geeky guy whose voice never really changed (he played the high school student called to testify against Darren Stevens 1.0 in "Inherit The Wind") married Batgirl (aka the green-skinned Orion dancer in Star Trek) and scored with (among others) Cheryl from The Mickey Mouse Club, Candace Bergen, playmate of the month June Blair (who married David Nelson), and Barbara Bouchet (Kirk Douglas' wife in "In Harm's Way" who is cheating on him with Wyatt Earp on a beach when the Japanese attack).
 
ContinuousWave said:
The Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald was a summer hit iirc....and was not on the charts around Christmas
Click to expand...

That's correct...but I just used it, rather sarcastically, as an example of a depressing song. "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" came out in the spring of 1976.

Two standards that definitely belong in Category D (non-Christmas songs misclassified by program directors as Christmas songs): "Baby, It's Cold Outside" (various artists; a/k/a the Date Rape Song..."say, what's in this drink?") and "I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm". The latter is not a bad song...but it is NOT a Christmas song.

Crainbebo nominates "Jingle Bells" by the Singing Dogs as a Christmas Turkey...agreed! I heard somewhere that one of the trade publications referred to it as the worst record of 1971.
 
From the always-with-it Compuserve browser :

http://webcenters.netscape.compuserve.com/entertainment/fte/hatedxmassongs

Compuserve's home site spends a lot of time on whom was showing cleavage lately, or seen nude -- real 'Star' checkout fare -- but they're a LOT less busy than MSN.

(O-T a bit, but I also read something yesterday during an unrelated search, to the effect that 'X-mas' originally was not designed to be a coarse abbreviation ; that it actually was a form of Christ's name and the holiday a long time ago. I forget the page, though.)
 
CompuServe is to computers like Christmas music is to radio playlists. Big blast from the distant past.

The mantra of this board should be:
"I don't like it, therefore it is bad, therefore it should not be on the radio."
 
A lot of Christmas songs suck. Suck bad. Suck in ways we haven't things suck before. Still, I like the variety. I'm getting old. I actually craved a Christmas song or two this week, and didn't immediately hit the dial when one came on while I was in the car. Happy Holidays to all who visit the message boards. I enjoy the discussions, even though there are times I disagree. Let's all try to have a great 2015.
 
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