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Christmas Turkeys

K

k2pg

Guest
With many stations across the country playing nothing but Christmas music since early November, it's time for my annual thread on Christmas turkeys. Christmas turkeys come in two flavors: 1. Songs that are really, really bad and 2. Christmas "evergreens" that have long ago turned brown and dropped their needles (songs that have been terribly overplayed for years and years).

Here are my entries:

Category 1: 1. "Christmas Shoes". This morbid, depressing song about a boy trying to buy shoes for his mother (who is on her deathbed on Christmas Eve) is about as welcome during the festive Christmas season as a turd in a bowl of eggnog.

2. Anything by Mannheim Steamroller. Like fruitcake, Mannheim Steamroller appears only during the holidays. Like fruitcake, Mannheim Steamroller's astringent instrumentation is an acquired taste.

Category 2: 1. "Jingle Bell Rock" by Bobby Helms and other artists. This song wore out its welcome 40 years ago!

2. "Blue Christmas" by Elvis Presley. Were it not for the migration of a lot of this music to CDs, one could almost hear the cue burn at the beginning!

Another selection that is an oddity heading for turkeydom is a version of "Jingle Bells" that I heard several years ago on the Westwood One Adult Standards network. One verse is sung in "Pig Latin"! Ingle-jay ells-bay, ingle-jay ells-bay, ingle-jay all the ay-way, anyone? Who will be the first PD in your market to add this gem?

Which songs, in your opinion, belong on this list?
 
Red Sovines's "Faith in Santa"..which is guaranteed to show up on the American Truckers Radio network. Poor abused kid dies in Santa's arms.
 
Thank you for starting this thread; I have a few major-league offenders to add:

1) "Pretty Paper/Pretty Ribbons": Good Lord! Let me please have five minutes warning before they play THIS one on the radio so I might go and slit my wrists first.

2) "Any Christmas Tune Destroyed By Kenny G": If ever there were audio valium...any song mangled by Kenny-Boy is it.

3) "Merry Christmas Darling!": If Karen Carpenter had eaten a decent meal or two, she wouldn't have recorded this piece of drek.

4) "Walkin' Round In Women's Underwear": OK, Bob Rivers, OK. It was "cute" the first 800 times I heard it, but, lame-a*s Morning DJ's...who have no sense of "enough already"...keep playing it as if THEY have just discovered it! Oy!

5) "Feliz Navidad": Jose Feliciano pulled a fast one on this one...that is until Billy Bob and Bubba in deepest Mississippi found out that "Feliz Navidad" actually means "Wee joost mooved een next door, Senor Blanco!".

There are others...such as cats meowing "Jingle Bells"...that make me break out in a rash, but, they'll have to wait until the five tunes above are dealt with.

a_kittysnowdome.gif
 
Feliz Navidad... I used to hate this song alot more but it's growing a little on me.

Silver Bells... Any version of this song is a turkey.

George Michael's "Last Christmas". God how many times do they have to play this turkey every year?
 
Sorry I must put my two cents in

> Category 1: 1. "Christmas Shoes". This morbid, depressing
> song about a boy trying to buy shoes for his mother (who is
> on her deathbed on Christmas Eve) is about as welcome during
> the festive Christmas season as a turd in a bowl of eggnog.

I am not sure but I have not heard the song at all and there are three stations playing Christmas music in Atlanta. Sort of sad that no one seems to "get it" about this beautiful song-The purpose of the song is to remind folks to help those less fortunate during this time of year. Everytime I hear the song I reach for my wallet and put some green in a salvation army kettle. I wish others would do the same.

> 2. Anything by Mannheim Steamroller. Like fruitcake,
> Mannheim Steamroller appears only during the holidays. Like
> fruitcake, Mannheim Steamroller's astringent instrumentation
> is an acquired taste.

I haven't heard Manheim Steamroller at all either. They are old hat. They have been replaced here by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. But the same deal with them. I'm tired of them like you are tired of Steamroller.

> Another selection that is an oddity heading for turkeydom is
> a version of "Jingle Bells" that I heard several years ago
> on the Westwood One Adult Standards network. One verse is
> sung in "Pig Latin"! Ingle-jay ells-bay, ingle-jay ells-bay,
> ingle-jay all the ay-way, anyone? Who will be the first PD
> in your market to add this gem

that song is actually part of a medley "Let's Sing A Song of Christmas" by Spike Jones. It was on an album which is pretty boring compared to his usual material. Other than "Two Front Teeth" and Spike's treatment of the Nutcracker (both recored seperately) are the best of what Spike Jones does as far as the Holidays. Spike used the album to treat the season with musical respect and hid the musical humor in places such as the Pig Latin. I've never heard the song played anywhere but on my stereo system.
<P ID="signature">______________
In Harmony
From the Bop Shop,
Brian "BD Bopper"</P>
 
Here are two I can't stand.

1. Wreck the Malls by Bob Rivers. I just heard it on The River 105.9, which is XMAS only for this weekend.

2. The 12 Pains of XMAS.


Fortuantly respectable stations (i.e. Lite 100.5 which does 5 hour XMAS Blocks on Satudays & Sundays and 36 hours of XMAS from 12PM 12/24 til 12AM 12/26) don't play either of these parodies.

3. Those damn dogs barking jingle bells.

4. The Polka Version of Silver Bells. Yes there's a polka version. I heard it while doing an AM band scan one Sunday afternoon. It was on the Polka song on AM 840 which is a Spanish Station.

5. O Tananabaum (Sp?). This song all in German I haven't heard in quite a while. I think the first and only time I heard this song is when 990 AM attempted to go all XMAS back in 2001 by running a Live365.Com Station over the air.

I happen to enjoy Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano. It was in fact the first XMAS Song I heard on the radio this year. I heard it yesterday (Thanksgiving Day) just after 6AM on LaPuertoriquenmisma AM 1120.
 
> Red Sovines's "Faith in Santa"..which is guaranteed to show
> up on the American Truckers Radio network. Poor abused kid
> dies in Santa's arms.
>

Oh puhleeze! Thank god I haven't had the pleasure to hear this one yet! It must make "Christmas Shoes" sound like a party song!
 
> Here are two I can't stand.

> 1. Wreck the Malls by Bob Rivers. I just heard it on The
> River 105.9, which is XMAS only for this weekend.

Agreed. Not too good!

> 2. The 12 Pains of XMAS.

THANK YOU!!!! I was just about to mention this pathetic piece of crap! Another one of these "holidays are sooooo hard to prepare for" type of songs. I can't stand the constant whining by these people!

> Fortuantly respectable stations (i.e. Lite 100.5 which does
> 5 hour XMAS Blocks on Satudays & Sundays and 36 hours of
> XMAS from 12PM 12/24 til 12AM 12/26) don't play either of
> these parodies.

> 3. Those damn dogs barking jingle bells.

I like this song. It's kind of cute.

> 4. The Polka Version of Silver Bells. Yes there's a polka
> version. I heard it while doing an AM band scan one Sunday
> afternoon. It was on the Polka song on AM 840 which is a
> Spanish Station.

Never heard of it.

> 5. O Tananabaum (Sp?). This song all in German I haven't
> heard in quite a while. I think the first and only time I
> heard this song is when 990 AM attempted to go all XMAS back
> in 2001 by running a Live365.Com Station over the air.

No preference here.

> I happen to enjoy Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano. It was in
> fact the first XMAS Song I heard on the radio this year. I
> heard it yesterday (Thanksgiving Day) just after 6AM on
> LaPuertoriquenmisma AM 1120.


Ditto from me!
 
> 3. Those damn dogs barking jingle bells.

One of the production folks at a station in my area took it upon himself to use the Singing Dogs as background music for a commercial for a local pet store. I hope this person gets shot...then sued for copyright infringement (if someone still actually holds the copyright...the song's been around for 50 years!).

Peace.<P ID="signature">______________
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
-- Samuel Langhorne Clemens
</P>
 
>
> > 5. O Tananabaum (Sp?). This song all in German I haven't
> > heard in quite a while.

An honorable mention in my Christmas Turkeys list should go to the version of "O Tannenbaum" sung by Nat King Cole. While Nat King Cole had a beautiful voice and "O Tannenbaum" is a nice, traditional German Christmas carol, he totally mangled the German language in this one.

BTW, one of the trade publications (Billboard?) voted the version of "Jingle Bells" by the Singing Dogs to be the worst record of 1971.
 
Oh yeah...Dad's in jail for killing Mama's boyfriend, now the kid and Mama live with "Mr. Brown" who tells him Santa doesn't stop because he ain't no good. He tells Santa that he wants to go live with Jesus then promptly dies.
 
Re: Christmas Dogs

> BTW, one of the trade publications (Billboard?) voted the
> version of "Jingle Bells" by the Singing Dogs to be the
> worst record of 1971.

As a kid I first heard that song on 1590 WERA. Their DJs gave the impression that it was a local, amateur recording that someone sent in to the station, as if they were the only ones playing it anywhere. And given the quality (or lack thereof) of the recording, I believed them. But then again the WERA DJs were hardly trustworthy. For years in the 1980s they claimed that the station was broadcasting in AM Stereo, even though I later found out that they never actually did, as you well know.

Anyway, I kinda like the Barking Dogs song. It's got a nifty guitar solo in the middle, and it's just a very homely-sounding song, the kind which doesn't sound right unless it's played from a cue-burned 45.

But I agree with you 100% about "Christmas Shoes". So far this season I've heard about 10 seconds of it, and that was more than enough. It probably only gets airplay because it tests well with all the redneck women who listen to Delilah and who themselves can't wait to meet Jesus when they die.
<P ID="signature">______________
noiboc.jpg

"This is the New York Emergency Broadcast System satellite channel. They took the crosstown bus."</P>
 
Re: Christmas Dogs

> > BTW, one of the trade publications (Billboard?) voted the
> > version of "Jingle Bells" by the Singing Dogs to be the
> > worst record of 1971.
>
> As a kid I first heard that song on 1590 WERA. Their DJs
> gave the impression that it was a local, amateur recording
> that someone sent in to the station, as if they were the
> only ones playing it anywhere. And given the quality (or
> lack thereof) of the recording, I believed them. But then
> again the WERA DJs were hardly trustworthy. For years in
> the 1980s they claimed that the station was broadcasting in
> AM Stereo, even though I later found out that they never
> actually did, as you well know.
>
> Anyway, I kinda like the Barking Dogs song. It's got a
> nifty guitar solo in the middle, and it's just a very
> homely-sounding song, the kind which doesn't sound right
> unless it's played from a cue-burned 45.
>
> But I agree with you 100% about "Christmas Shoes". So far
> this season I've heard about 10 seconds of it, and that was
> more than enough. It probably only gets airplay because it
> tests well with all the redneck women who listen to Delilah
> and who themselves can't wait to meet Jesus when they die.
>
I actually like "Christmas Shoes". If I tried to listen to it more than once or twice a year, I'm sure I'd have a different opinion, though.

"Faith In Santa" and that Porky Pig song are just unbelievably awful, however.
 
Re: Christmas Dogs

> "Faith In Santa" and that Porky Pig song are just
> unbelievably awful, however.

That's not Porky Pig (Mel Blanc); it just sounds like him. "Blue Christmas" is actually by "Seymour Swine and the Squealers", and was done by John-Boy and Billy of the syndicated Big Show (www.thebigshow.com), based out of WRFX in Charlotte, NC. "Seymour Swine" was actually a singer named Denny Brownlee, but the laughing in the background is John-Boy. It was recorded in 1985 and when it gained national attention because of its appearance on the Big Show, it was released as a 45 RPM single.

As often is the case with novelty morning-show parody songs, I think the laughing in the background is what made it a success, not the performance of "Seymour Swine" himself.
<P ID="signature">______________
noiboc.jpg

"This is the New York Emergency Broadcast System satellite channel. They took the crosstown bus."</P>
 
More Songs I Dislike

Nothing against Italians, but I think the song Dominic The Italian Christmas Donekey is a nother stupid song. Maybe I'm dense, but what does a donkey have to do with Christmas?

The Chanukah Song by Adam Sandler (Heard that one on 105.9 The River this morning).

I want A Hippopotamus for Christmas by Gayla Peevey. (Heard that one on The River this morning too)
 
"Christmas shoes" is one of the most requested hoiday songs where I work. Plus, whenever you play it all the phones light up asking about it. I love reaction songs like that, no matter what format or genre. The songs I dislike the most used to be called "turntable records"...songs that get a lot of radio play, but get no reaction of any kind, nobody loves them,nobody hates them, nobody requests them and nobody buys them. "Christmas Shoes" is not a turntable record, it's a touching song, it gives people goosebumps, it makes them reflect on life, it may even make them cry. It's an example of the power of music and how it can really move people. No we don't need every song to be like that, but I say there is a place for the Christmas Shoes.



>
> > Category 1: 1. "Christmas Shoes". This morbid, depressing
> > song about a boy trying to buy shoes for his mother (who
> is
> > on her deathbed on Christmas Eve) is about as welcome
> during
> > the festive Christmas season as a turd in a bowl of
> eggnog.
>
> I am not sure but I have not heard the song at all and there
> are three stations playing Christmas music in Atlanta. Sort
> of sad that no one seems to "get it" about this beautiful
> song-The purpose of the song is to remind folks to help
> those less fortunate during this time of year. Everytime I
> hear the song I reach for my wallet and put some green in a
> salvation army kettle. I wish others would do the same.
>
> > 2. Anything by Mannheim Steamroller. Like fruitcake,
> > Mannheim Steamroller appears only during the holidays.
> Like
> > fruitcake, Mannheim Steamroller's astringent
> instrumentation
> > is an acquired taste.
>
> I haven't heard Manheim Steamroller at all either. They are
> old hat. They have been replaced here by the Trans-Siberian
> Orchestra. But the same deal with them. I'm tired of them
> like you are tired of Steamroller.
>
> > Another selection that is an oddity heading for turkeydom
> is
> > a version of "Jingle Bells" that I heard several years ago
>
> > on the Westwood One Adult Standards network. One verse is
> > sung in "Pig Latin"! Ingle-jay ells-bay, ingle-jay
> ells-bay,
> > ingle-jay all the ay-way, anyone? Who will be the first PD
>
> > in your market to add this gem
>
> that song is actually part of a medley "Let's Sing A Song of
> Christmas" by Spike Jones. It was on an album which is
> pretty boring compared to his usual material. Other than
> "Two Front Teeth" and Spike's treatment of the Nutcracker
> (both recored seperately) are the best of what Spike Jones
> does as far as the Holidays. Spike used the album to treat
> the season with musical respect and hid the musical humor in
> places such as the Pig Latin. I've never heard the song
> played anywhere but on my stereo system.
>
 
> I am not sure but I have not heard the song at all and there
> are three stations playing Christmas music in Atlanta. Sort
> of sad that no one seems to "get it" about this beautiful
> song-The purpose of the song is to remind folks to help
> those less fortunate during this time of year. Everytime I
> hear the song I reach for my wallet and put some green in a
> salvation army kettle. I wish others would do the same.
>


It was beautiful the first 10 million times they played it, now its just annoying. When I first heard it when it came out a few years ago, I was very moved by it. Now, when it comes on, I an moved to the radio to change the station!<P ID="signature">______________
Bob Colon
www.bobs-world.net
"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today"-James Dean</P>
 
> > 3. Those damn dogs barking jingle bells.
>
> One of the production folks at a station in my area took it
> upon himself to use the Singing Dogs as background music for
> a commercial for a local pet store. I hope this person gets
> shot...then sued for copyright infringement (if someone
> still actually holds the copyright...the song's been around
> for 50 years!).
>
> Peace.
>

I used it as background music for a personal liner (all the airstaff recorded a few personal holiday greeting liners for drops throughout the day). Just me over dogs barking "Jingle Bells" wishing all a merry Xmas.

I thought it sounded good.

Also did one over "Christmas Rapping" (sp?) by The Waitresses.
<P ID="signature">______________
The Liberal Talk Radio Update</P>
 
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