***HEADLINE***
***NBC to Leave Airwaves After Over 60 Years***
A spokesperson for NBC Universal announced today that the NBC television network, one of the "Big Three" providing memorable programs for many years, such as "Bonanza," "Sanford and Son," "Cheers," "Friends," "ER," "The Today Show," and "Supertrain," will discontinue operations next week. This is a landmark development in the history of American television, marking the greatest shift in the industry since the development of the remote control.
The spokesperson went on to say that since Comcast, who brought the broadcasting behemoth last year, figures that the average viewer is 69 years old, wears false teeth, and does not know how to text his or her grandchildren, the company, which built its fortune on persuading people that infomercials on cable channels were worth their attention, decided simply, "Ahhh, what the hell ... no kids are watching, and we haven't figured out how to make 'World's Greatest Loser' into an interactive video game, and on top of that, research is behind on fitting TV sets inside coffins, so we thought it was about time to hang it up. Things are so tight at 30 Rock that we can't even afford bagels and coffee for our scheduling meetings--and also pay for Hoda and Kathie Lee on that last hour of 'Today' that only your weird Aunt Susie watches. People shouldn't get so upset about it, anyway. They need to spend less time in front of the boob tube, and more time cheating on their spouses, which is something that made America the great place it is today."
The over 200 affiliates across the country who rely on NBC for most of their programming, though, are not so sanguine. One, WHO-TV in Des Moines, figures it will have to plug up the holes in its schedule with a camera situated in the middle of a farmer's cornfield. KSNV in Las Vegas says that it might consider producing its own reality shows covering the area's numerous brothels. And WVLA in Baton Rouge, Louisiana has in the works a Cajun cooking show that will feature ways to deep fry a turkey without starting a back yard fire, to make gumbo and sauce piquante with roadkill, and explanations about what a mirliton is. The station is, however, not in negotiations to have Emeril Lagasse host, since he does not know where Baton Rouge is on a map.
Eventually the famed studios at Rockefeller Plaza in New York will be sold, probably to some firm who received government bailouts in 2009. However, the fate of the famed Radio City Rockettes has yet to be disclosed, such as whether they will become the official cheerleaders for the White House.
***NBC to Leave Airwaves After Over 60 Years***
A spokesperson for NBC Universal announced today that the NBC television network, one of the "Big Three" providing memorable programs for many years, such as "Bonanza," "Sanford and Son," "Cheers," "Friends," "ER," "The Today Show," and "Supertrain," will discontinue operations next week. This is a landmark development in the history of American television, marking the greatest shift in the industry since the development of the remote control.
The spokesperson went on to say that since Comcast, who brought the broadcasting behemoth last year, figures that the average viewer is 69 years old, wears false teeth, and does not know how to text his or her grandchildren, the company, which built its fortune on persuading people that infomercials on cable channels were worth their attention, decided simply, "Ahhh, what the hell ... no kids are watching, and we haven't figured out how to make 'World's Greatest Loser' into an interactive video game, and on top of that, research is behind on fitting TV sets inside coffins, so we thought it was about time to hang it up. Things are so tight at 30 Rock that we can't even afford bagels and coffee for our scheduling meetings--and also pay for Hoda and Kathie Lee on that last hour of 'Today' that only your weird Aunt Susie watches. People shouldn't get so upset about it, anyway. They need to spend less time in front of the boob tube, and more time cheating on their spouses, which is something that made America the great place it is today."
The over 200 affiliates across the country who rely on NBC for most of their programming, though, are not so sanguine. One, WHO-TV in Des Moines, figures it will have to plug up the holes in its schedule with a camera situated in the middle of a farmer's cornfield. KSNV in Las Vegas says that it might consider producing its own reality shows covering the area's numerous brothels. And WVLA in Baton Rouge, Louisiana has in the works a Cajun cooking show that will feature ways to deep fry a turkey without starting a back yard fire, to make gumbo and sauce piquante with roadkill, and explanations about what a mirliton is. The station is, however, not in negotiations to have Emeril Lagasse host, since he does not know where Baton Rouge is on a map.
Eventually the famed studios at Rockefeller Plaza in New York will be sold, probably to some firm who received government bailouts in 2009. However, the fate of the famed Radio City Rockettes has yet to be disclosed, such as whether they will become the official cheerleaders for the White House.
;D :
