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Here's a funny bit making its way around the internet

D

Debaser

To: Joel Hollander, CBS Radio Chief
From: Kenneth Lay, Former Enron Chief, now retired in Hell

Dear Joel,

Wanted to write you a note to tell you how much I am loving your latest moves at CBS. I may be retired and sitting in a lounge chair in a very hot location, but I'm still watching your brilliant direction of the once great CBS Radio Division.

You're doing a great job and I love your latest move, firing 115 employees due to your own mistakes. You came up with both Free-FM and Jack, two ideas I wish I would have thought of at Enron!

After WNEW-FM's all silly talk format crashed and burned three years ago, you come up with the new name of Free-FM, and put the same format on stations all across the country. Bravo! Not one of them is even getting a 2 share!

And after you heard David Lee Roth a few times filling in on your Boston station, you say to yourself, this guy is my new wake-up man to replace Howard Stern! Then when DLR bombs, your underlings blame him in the press, laying the groundwork to can him WITHOUT paying him his money! Very cool, Joel. (I very much miss "cool" by the way.)

And if that's not enough, you actually bring back the radio team you fired for orchestating sex in St. Patrick's Cathedral. As O&A would say, "WOW!" I wish I had thought of doing something like that at Enron!

I marvel at your undying support of Jack in the face of all the negative publicity, firing DJs in NYC and Chicago without even giving them a chance to say goodbye! Wish I had done that to some of the senior citizens who had their retirement plans invested in Enron. I should have silenced them as you did to Harry Harrison, Bob Shannon, Bobby Jay, Bill Brown, etc.

I have to admit, I admire your tenacity, too. I've seen your appearance on CNBC, and read some of your print interviews, defending Jack. Not once have you admitted it was a terrible mistake to nationalize Jack instead of putting it in specific markets where it is suited.

I thought I did a good job saying I was innocent when reporters shoved microphones in front of me outside of the courthouse. I even invoked religion as I proclaimed my innocence. But Joel, you've got me beat.

You've brought CBS Radio to its knees faster than I did it to Enron. Just look at the combined ratings at CBS's 3 NYC FM stations. Three stations now equal less than Lite-FM by itself! Then you go and FIRE the General Manager you ordered to replace Oldies with Jack. He couldn't keep the same revenues so you fired his ass! Good for you! I also like the firing of your KROQ General Manager only months after your LA Alternative station beat Lite-FM as the station with the nation's highest revenues. (I never liked that name Trip anyway.)

I raise my glass to you Joel (if only I could get some ice cubes for this glass...) I could have used a lieutenant like you as I was dismantling Enron! Why didn't you send me your resume then? You should have written me some press releases like the one you released this week, talking about the need to reduce "headcount." Ha! Broadcasting companies who are doing well are foolishly HIRING people. But that memo you sent out made it sound like it wasn't YOUR dumb moves but the "changing climate of radio" that forced you to pink slip all those loyal employees. That's priceless, Joel!

By the way, I'm saving a lounge chair here in hell right next to mine when you're time is up, Joel. Can't wait to shake your hand then! When you find the Pearly Gates are locked to you, just look for me downstairs. Keep up the good work, buddy.


Sincerely,

Kenny-boy Lay
 
Laugh Track

Can anybody think of a GOOD decision by Hollander? Let's look at his track record...

1) Allowing Stern to promote his new gig on Sirius for MONTHS instead of cutting the cord once he announced he was leaving. See the Emmis treatment of Mancow for the "correct" response.

2) Suing Stern AFTER he went to Sirius - giving him the opportunity for even MORE free publicity.

3) Blowing up successful Oldies formats in NY and Chicago instead of "rebranding and refining" them to target a younger audience. Perhaps he should have called WHTT for advice.

4) Taking a talk format that failed on WNEW-FM in NY - probably the most sophisticated & liberal audience in the country - and reproducing it as "Free-FM" around the country - where it failed miserably.

5) Blew up modern rock WHFS-FM Washington, D.C., ending a 30-year rock legacy, to create Spanish-Language WLZL-FM. That only cost 30% of the 12+ audience. Washington has a 10.7% Hispanic population, which is not exactly a demographic twin to San Antonio.

Mr. Hollander's general response to satellite radio is the "Jackification" of terrestrial radio - turning terrestrial radio stations into jukeboxes with minimal local content. "Personality" is hiring Mickey Dolenz & David Lee Roth to do nationally syndicated shows with generic content. In other words, he's DUPLICATING satellite - with the added bonus of COMMERCIAL CONTENT.

As they say on the beer commercial... "BRILLIANT!"
 
For the record, this was posted on "the other board" as well. It's funny and hits the nail on the head. Sadly so.

"Truth to power."
 
This must be setting off some tirads at corporate!
 
Dollar a Hollander

Debaser said:
What is Hollander's background? Communications or....?
Click to expand...

Mr. Hollander started out in sales. Now, there's a shock, huh?

"Disk Jockies? We don't need no stinking Disk Jockies!"
 
Phew! The captions that come to mind looking at that dude's mugshot on the web.
The eyes say a lot. He looks like one of the savages in Shawshank Redemption.

I'm not prone to bust on salesmen and women just because they're in sales. It's a tough job and it gets nastier on the street every day.

Unfortunately, we've been seeing more sales types who have NO appreciation for the demands made on programmers and jocks these days. The reason may be that they didn't make their bones as salesmen at small stations first before moving to bigger stations with higher rates and bigger quotas. No, they started out as furniture or appliance salesmen and got into radio thinking that if they were successful selling refrigerators and couches, they could just as effectively sell RADIO.

(SFX: Buzzer, "Wrong!")

On the extreme end of the scale, there will always be a few reprehensible stuffed shirts that have nothing but disdain for anybody who ISN'T a sales person. This is just as bad as the jocks or production guys that disdain anybody who's a sales person.

The way I see it, Hollander must have strong arms and a great grip because he's thrown so many people in front of the bus to save his own hide. It's just a matter of time before somebody in a corner office at CBS takes a long hard look at the situation and gives Mr. Hollander his walking papers.

-9-
 
My last job in this biz was at an internet portal for audio channels. Since we were breaking new ground and creating the rules as we went along, the place was litrerally abuzz with new and creative ideas of how to blend new technology with standard tried and true practices that made radio great.

Then we got a new CEO (being a small company, the CEO was also the GM and literally had the corner office). His background was...selling books.

One night near the start of this man's disasterous stint with the company, the person whose office was next to the CEO's stepped into the deserted hallway from behind his closed door. Next door, the CEO, who obviously thought everyone in his section of the building had gone home for the day, was on the phone with (presumably) a personal friend, and was overheard to say, "I have no idea what this company does, but I know what to say to keep the board of directors happy."

Within 1 year this man had accomplished nothing and driven the stock share down to 5 cents (full disclosure: I lost about $15k). The company was purchased by one of Canada's major broadcast companies...who kept the CEO to continue to run the place!

Hollander is a sales person. The number 1 commodity that he sells is himself. His biggest loyalty is to himself. But he knows what to say to keep the company happy. Do you really think he'll get his walking papers any time soon?
 
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