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Resolutions for the New Year

B

BiggusDickus

Guest
I have decided that I shall spend 2006 transforming myself into a far more marketable personality. With that in mind, I will no longer make obscure literary or film references, I will no longer discuss anything involving actual facts, and I shall refrain from fetishizing goth chicks and underage Asian interns. 'Cause that would make me too "impish".

My new name is "Kitana!". Or K-Tan, if I'm going for a more urban feel. As of tomorrow I will have shaved my head, had a tattoo of a menacing vampire kitten needled into my back, and had various and sundry delicate tissues pierced by massive chrome studs.

Oh, and I'm going to go around wearing a long black duster with a mother-freakin' katana strapped to my back. Under my duster I shall install fans so my coat constantly billows in the wind. I'll also have a supply of doves under there, because nothing says cool like arriving at a remote, striding into the room with your coat billowing behind you, and having a flourish of doves erupt from the ground when you enter. Things could go badly if the doves collide with the fans, what with the distasteful spatter of blood and feathers, but I'm working on that.

I will also be using "Keep sharp!" as my new catchphrase, so none of you cretins should even *think* about stealing it. Ideally, I'll end each remote by yelling my catchphrase while cutting something big, like a car or a tank or something, in half with my katana. Just wait till Billy Fucillo sees that, baby! And don't give me any of that "A katana can't cut a car in half!" crap, mkay? Everyone with a clue knows a katana can cut anything.

With all that out in the open I'd like it known that I am now entertaining offers. I know that with the right marketing Kitana! can take your AC or MOR station to the next level. Please email me at your convenience.

Oh, one last thing. I'd also like a sidekick, preferably a hip, young black guy. Or at least a white guy that can sound like a hip, young black guy and is willing to undergo some time in a makeup chair before remotes. Conceptually, you'll be Fortraine D'shnizzle, the heir to a wealthy New Orleans family left homeless by hurricane Katrina and relocated to CNY because your family lost everything. With a mixture of pathos and groove, you'll be the foundation upon which I'll stand.

Ladies and gentleman, "Kitana! and Fo'shnizzle in Da Morning" is ready to launch. You'll be kicking yourself if you don't get onboard now.

Your friend forever,
Kitana!
 
P.S.

The role of Fo'shnizzle *cannot*, under any circumstances, be played by anyone that hasn't worked in radio for over a decade, has a mullet, and sells decorative wooden shovels for a living.

That is all.

Stay sharp,
Kitana!
 
When Doves Cry

> Oh, and I'm going to go around wearing a long black duster
> with a mother-freakin' katana strapped to my back. Under my
> duster I shall install fans so my coat constantly billows in
> the wind. I'll also have a supply of doves under there,
> because nothing says cool like arriving at a remote,
> striding into the room with your coat billowing behind you,
> and having a flourish of doves erupt from the ground when
> you enter. Things could go badly if the doves collide with
> the fans, what with the distasteful spatter of blood and
> feathers, but I'm working on that.

Ducted fans. That'll solve the problem. Maybe you can conceal the intake end of the ducts beneath your upturned collar.

> And don't give me any of that "A katana can't cut a car in half!"
> crap, mkay? Everyone with a clue knows a katana can cut anything.

How about an ocean? Can a katana cut an Ocean?

> Ladies and gentleman, "Kitana! and Fo'shnizzle in Da
> Morning" is ready to launch. You'll be kicking yourself if
> you don't get onboard now.

I think I may know somebody who's desperate to get back into radio, and who'd be happy to deal with the makeup. I'm not sure if he's doing dreads, or if he just doesn't wash his hair very often. Either way, he's got a start on the dreadlock look.

PS - I'll miss the Goth chick links...
 
Re: P.S.

> The role of Fo'shnizzle *cannot*, under any circumstances,
> be played by anyone that hasn't worked in radio for over a
> decade, has a mullet, and sells decorative wooden shovels
> for a living.

Damn. Now I'll have to start looking around again. Oh, well, at least the ducted fan idea is worthy.
 
Boys

Please keep your obvious interest in my career civil. Youre spending too much time and effort trying to wreck things for me (because it wont happen). Try to remember, better yet, go outside for more than a minute at once (shovel a driveway for someone?) and repeat to yourselves. "i will stop being so mean" c'mon repeat after me "i will stop being so mean". Good, now a full day away from the computer will help too. Outside preferrably. Here is a link to a crew of people that do just that, and do it under normal direction. Get good numbers, and have lots of cabbage in their pockets. Others may appreciate the 7 day link as well, i saved it.

http://www.sirius.com/servlet/ContentServer?pagename=Sirius/Page&c=FlexContent&cid=1093551681616&source=069&occ=06904<P ID="signature">______________
streamerp2p.com</P>
 
PS

You really need to stop picking on my girlfriend. She makes those crafts by hand and is the sweetest lady you would want to know. God youre mean. Mean, no fun, and dumb.<P ID="signature">______________
streamerp2p.com</P>
 
I just couldnt read this whole thing. Like radio. Its way too watered down and confusing. People like myself represent real numbers for radio stations too.<P ID="signature">______________
streamerp2p.com</P>
 
Re: PS

> You really need to stop picking on my girlfriend. She makes
> those crafts by hand and is the sweetest lady you would want
> to know.

I'm sure that's true. As your girlfriend, she'd HAVE to be the sweetest lady in the world.

Maybe if you applied your marketing genius to her efforts, she'd at least be well compensated.
 
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